Going backwards...

Good Morning!

I'm sitting at the table in front of my computer with a Christmas coffee cup filled with water, Christmas tunes in the background, Lizzie on the couch with a coloring book and crayons, and about fifty things that I should be doing other than this, but I need to do this. I need to get this out there and I need to do it now because I'm starting to snowball down a giant mountain.

I'm going backwards. I feel like I've come to a complete halt in progress and have started dragging myself back to the starting line instead of digging in deep and running towards the finish line. For some reason I just realized that it is almost January. It is almost 2011 and at the beginning of 2010 is when I decided that I was going to get in shape, lose weight, gain confidence, and just be happy for once without beating myself up about it. So as the end of December quickly approaches where do you think I am? A brand new, happy, skinny woman? Ha! Not even close.

I've been very adamant about working out. I think I've done a hell of a job if I say so myself. Yes, there have been times that I turned down a workout to go do something fun or heck, to just lay on the couch and watch T.V. I've been pretty good about what I'm eating. Yeah, I eat chocolate almost every day but what I failed to mention is that this chocolate is not chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (as much as I'd like it to be) it's usually a cliff bar or a fiber one bar. Since moving to Maine I've gone off track a little, and yeah, it happens. Between my back and getting into a somewhat normal routine here I've only worked out a handfull of times. Despite that, we try to walk as much as we can. We have these recreational trails out here that we like to walk on Ross's days off (as long as it's nice because they're by the water and it's FREEZING when it's cold out). They don't have any hills like what I was walking in New York and I'm usually walking at Lizzie's pace but it's walking nonetheless.

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to try harder. There is a gym here that I can go to but it's kind of expensive and doesn't have child care so I'm not sure how I'll make it happen but I just might try. I need to do something. I can't stand in front of my closet anymore and cry because I hate how all of my clothes look on me. I'm right back to where I started and I hate it. I feel like I've wasted a year of hard work. I hate that I'm right back to thinking everyone is staring at me and thinking how ugly I am. I hate feeling that I need new clothes so bad but walking out of stores empty handed because I hate how everything looks on me. It needs to stop, and it needs to stop now.

I look at Elizabeth and realize how much she is like me. I don't want her growing up thinking the same way I do because she is beautiful. She's fun and she's happy and I want her to always feel confident in herself. How can I teach her that when I don't believe that in myself?

So here's to brushing myself off, re-tying my shoelaces, pulling my hair back, taking a deep breath, and digging in deep. Here's to the finish line, regardless of how far away it may be.