My back...and all of it's problems.

Hello blogger land! I know, i've been a little MIA since we moved back to Maine. I really do apologize, I miss it here!

I figure i'd start off with a little update. On Sunday-Monday night I was fast asleep in dream land and all of a sudden I woke up in terrible pain. I don't know how I do it, between lugging mounds of laundry up and down two flights of stairs, carrying, playing, and bending with a 35 pound little girl, pushing and pulling an ornery vacuum cleaner, tugging cart loads of stuff through crowded store isles, and the every day stresses I put on my back, I manage to severely hurt myself in my sleep. Really, Stacy? Really?

I have had back problems ever since I was pregnant with Elizabeth. I have a condition where my ligaments are very loose and don't do a very good job at keeping my bones in place. After months of pain and chalking it up to an old crappy mattress, I finally went to the Doctor. We did x-rays, I bent, I moved, and I was poked and prodded. No conclusions as to what was wrong with me so I was sent to a physical therapist. After being seen by her I finally knew what was wrong with me. My hips & lower back pop out of place. The little bones along my spine move where they aren't supposed to and my hips just plain don't stay in place. After lots of massaging, heat packs, manipulation, and exercises I got to a point where I wasn't in pain every single day. I was given exercises to do in order to strengthen my core and butt muscles (who doesn't need a nice toned core and butt anyway, right?!) so that they could do the job my ligaments weren't. I worked out religiously, 5-6 days a week, and while it helped, it never took away the problem completely. I got to a point where I didn't need to see my PT every week and I learned stuff I could do at home in case I were to pop out of place again.

Now that I'm here in Maine I figured if I had any problems I could just see a PT here. Boy was I wrong. I was in pain...bad pain. I couldn't sit down, stand up, or lay down without wanting to cry. Getting into the car was a complete joke. It was awful. I called the PT here and she told me she couldn't help me. So I get referred to a chiropractor and she couldn't even see me until next week. I'm sorry, but I couldn't wait a whole week while being in that much pain. So I searched for chiropractor's in Bangor until I finally found one that could see me in a reasonable amount of time.

So my diagnosis...

I do indeed have the lower back problem where the little bones like to move around and my hips do pop out of place but this time around, that wasn't the problem. It's my tail bone along with my lower back. He moved me around, did some massaging and fixed my lower back but my tail bone is unfixable unless I get surgery. Most likely while I was in labor with Elizabeth I disrupted the very tip of my tail bone which is why it hurts so bad to sit. My butt hurts, literally. Yeah, embarrassing to the one millionth degree. I can see an orthopedic surgeon to get installments of cortisone shots which will relieve me temporarily but in order to make the pain go away completely is to remove that little bone at the end of my tail bone.





What frustrates me is this: I will never be fully healed. I will always have back pain. I will always have to be careful about what I do. I am 24 years old and in the words of my chiropractor, I have a chronic back condition. No, I don't need a cane or a wheel chair but most everything I do gives me pain and that pain will never go away completely. He encouraged me to continue to work out, eat well (gaining a lot of weight would be detrimental to the health of my back) and live my life as normal. However, I will ALWAYS get to a "the straw that broke the camel's back" point. A point at where I have been having very low to no pain, I've been working out, running around with Lizzie, and all of a sudden I go pick up something off the floor and BAM! Pain! At that point I have to call a chiropractor, get adjusted and be on my merry way.

While going to physical therapy I thought if I just work out hard enough and long enough I will be able to fix myself. Not the case. I'm determined to not let this stop me from doing things. I always said I wanted to run a 5k. Maybe not that ambitious for some of you but for a girl who was told I wouldn't be able to run, well that's a whole different story. I may get to the point where I can run a 5k and you better bet that right after I cross the finish line I will most likely be in the car on the way to the chiropractor to be fixed. That is my new reality.

My reality is hearing about my friends going to the gym and getting a great workout in while I'm on the couch with a heating pack on my back. While being excited for my friends who are getting in shape and losing weight, I stand in my closet and try every piece of clothing I have on and hate the way I look in all of them. It will never be easy. I will never be able to just work out and lose weight. I will work out, hurt, be fixed, rest, start working out again, and repeat. It frustrates me to tears that this is the way my life is. I get jealous..and yes, I know I talked about jealousy in earlier posts and how much I hate it, but damnit...i'm jealous! I'm jealous of all of my friends who can just put on their tennis shoes and run for as long as they can take it. I'm jealous of my friends who are doing these amazing work out routines and seeing great results. I'm jealous because I can't just do that. I take every work out and think "how bad am I going to hurt later?" This isn't sore muscles hurting. This is I can't get off the couch, I want to cry I'm in so much pain, and no amount of advil and water is going to take away the pain hurting.

So this is it. This is my "new" life. Yeah, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself but at the same time I'm determined to not let this take over my life so much that I give up. I'm afraid. Ross and I want to have more children but I'm afraid what carrying a 6-7-8 pound baby is going to do to me. However, we're going to do it. I'm not going to let back problems take over my life. I just have to find a way to make it all work. As for surgery, I'm going to talk to an OB and get her opinion about having that part of my tail bone removed before or after babies. For now, I'm only in a little (tolerable) amount of pain so we're going to talk it over and see what happens.